Letting Go of the Win Lose Lens When Divorcing
During a divorce, it is hard not to see every issue that arises as either "I won" or "I lost." It can be something as small as who gets the exercise bike in the basement or as significant as the percentage of custody time with the children. From these examples, one could hypothesize that emotion is a variable that can interfere with getting divorced amicably or with the ability to coparent and raise happy, healthy children.
If we label the emotions we feel when we win as happiness and the emotions we feel when we lose as sadness, it is understandable why divorce can feel like a roller coaster ride with no end in sight. Emotions during a divorce are important and should be safely explored before making decisions.
Ask yourself:
Is the bike important to me because I ride it every day for exercise, or do I only want it because my partner rides it every day?
Is the custody schedule truly good for me, or am I fighting for hours or days that will simply inconvenience my partner?
Am I being mindful of the consequences of a "win" or a "loss"? How will it affect me? How will it affect my children?
Imagine if both parties were able to find compromise on every issue, reducing the emotional focus on winning and losing and approaching each negotiation with greater clarity. Helping yourself—or your client—ask the question, "If I get X, Y, or Z, did I win, lose, or compromise?" can foster stronger problem-solving skills and lay the foundation for successful coparenting long after the ink is dry.
Shana Schwartz is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in high-conflict and complex family matters, helping families navigate these situations with the goal of “putting your child first.” She is a co-parenting counselor, parent coordinator, collaborative divorce specialist, reunification counselor, and child & adolescent therapist.
